what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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