dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
i need some magic done to my vagina
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
