My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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