i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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