I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
