Im at strip club and am horny
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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