I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
