He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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