The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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