mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
