I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
