I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I want her autograph on my taint
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
