I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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