Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
