i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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