i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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