I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
