so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
