you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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