My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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