I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
