I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
