1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
