thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
