I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
