can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
