in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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