Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
