Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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