Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
