Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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