highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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