I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
