I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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