Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
