I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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