I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
you had me at cake vodka
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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