Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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