after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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