Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
