I was born with a shot glass in my hand
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
