I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
