You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
