Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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