happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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