I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Operation Purity has been aborted
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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