As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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