my soul wont recognize me after tonight
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Well I just put wine in my tea
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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