i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
