remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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