like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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