He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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